Recognising your needs

What are needs? Before, I didn’t even know I had them. I lived and acted by what other people needed. I felt it was my responsibility to make them happy, comfortable, to do all and anything I could to ensure they were ok.

If this meant changing myself to be like them, I did it. If it meant saying yes and agreeing with their opinions or doing things I didn’t really want to in order that they got what they needed, I did it.

I edited myself to be palatable in a way they’d be able to accept me. I became a chameleon to whoever I was with.

And I’m still learning that this is not how it has to be. That my needs are important, that it is safe to express them, it is safe to have differing opinions, to say no or to make decisions based on your needs in the moment, because they are as important as other people’s.

Why do we edit ourselves?

Because we have learnt in our early childhood that this is what keeps us safe. We have responded to our environment in a way that made sense to our developing brains. We do it to protect ourselves from the thing we fear, like rejection or abandonment, our brains do whatever feels right for survival. 

And survival as a child, and still as an adult, means fitting in, belonging, being loved, gaining attention, affection and approval. If we feel like those things are in question, we fear that we may be rejected, we adapt our behaviour to ensure this doesn’t happen.

We shape ourselves to be like others so we fit in. We learn to be ‘good’ or to ‘achieve’ to gain love and attention. We strive and do all we can to make others feel comfortable so they don’t leave us. 

Our own needs go to the bottom of the pile. Maybe we don’t want to do something but we say we do anyway so we don’t get left behind. So that need in that moment is squashed down for the sake of the person we’re trying to stop us from rejecting us.

It may not make sense from an adult rational brain, but these patterns in the brain stay with us. They are our learned behaviours and beliefs. If we have no conscious awareness of these patterns, we cannot begin to change them. We don’t morph into an adult body and, with that, simply change the way we’ve learnt to be in the world because we’re older.

Without any conscious awareness to change, we’ll keep on acting out the same patterns as adults that we learnt as children.

Ask yourself

Do you know what your needs are at this moment? Have you stopped to think about what it is you need today? Like I was, are you unaware you have needs to be answered?

Most of us can remember a time we’ve been bored, lonely, tired, hungry and not really realised it. That magical moment you take a sip of water only to down the whole pint, then realise, “Oh, I was really thirsty!” We may have an awareness of a vague dissatisfaction, a stickiness or an emotion we can’t work out. Fairly often, this points to an unmet need, but we can’t fulfil our needs until they enter our awareness, until we can pinpoint what the need actually is.

How to recognise your needs

Begin to pay attention to your body

Recognising our mental and physical state is key to understanding our needs.

Pause and focus on your breath for a minute to drop into your body. Starting at your head, scan your body and notice any sensations you feel. 

Are your shoulders tight? Is there a heaviness in your chest? Do you feel anxiety in your stomach? Are you cold, hot? Has this changed in response to something? Is there an emotional quality to what you feel?

For example, the heaviness you feel might be sadness, which is pointing to a feeling of loneliness. The need in this situation would be to connect, either to others or to yourself.

Identify the need

Once you’ve noticed any emotions and how you’re feeling in the body, write down your thoughts related to this - i.e “I want to be with someone or talk to someone right now,” “I want to move my body,” “I’m bored, I want some fun!” “I want to have a say in that decision.”

If you’re not sure how to put your needs into words, this inventory list from The Centre of Nonviolent Communication may help. Tune into your body and notice which word sparks a visceral reaction in you.

Learning to label your emotions specifically can also really help you understand the callings of your body.

Give yourself what you need

Sometimes, it can be easier to ignore what our needs are if they are calling us to take action that feels difficult.

Take a moment to visualise your life having already met this need and, in fact, if you always chose to meet your needs. Imagine how you would feel, what your body posture would be like, how you would feel about yourself. Feel the sense of empowerment, fulfilment and peace in your body. Is there an expansiveness at your chest? Breathe into this and thank the self in the visualisation for meeting your needs.

Then, use this motivation to take action. You are important and you deserve to get your needs met.

Ask others for what you need

This may feel like a difficult step. But once we have begun communicating our needs to ourselves, we can begin asking others. This will have a beautiful effect on your relationships, you will form stronger bonds, based on honesty rather than resentment for not having your needs met.

Start with gratitude; tell the person what you’re appreciative of them for then share what it is you’re needing. 

Use ‘I’ statements rather than accusing the other person with ‘you’ language, which threatens the other person and is more likely to initiate a defensive response. For example, “I feel… I need…” rather than, “you did…so you need to do…” (A brilliant book to help with this is Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg).

If our needs aren’t being met, we feel unfilled. Our body will communicate that with us through emotions or sensations, even symptoms. Sometimes it can be painful to listen. That’s why we push through being busy, finding distractions, because to stop and listen might hurt. It’s easier to ignore the fact you feel lonely and have an unmet social need than to stop and feel its pain.

Every time you feel it’s easier to ignore, imagine that empowered, fulfilled, peaceful version of you who speaks up for herself as you deserve. That version of you is within you, find her voice and begin to speak your true self.

With love,

Suzi x

If you’re interested to work with me on understanding and communicating your needs, I’d love to hear from you.